Most of us are familiar with the term,'Rites Of Passage,' ................ social conditioning which makes us dance the hoopla of: Holding the lime green soda stained hands of our first childhood crush at the local puja , or school social..., wearing large eye lashes which tickle your contacts and bust splitting tops through your teen years, and the more mundane rites of passage , like finishing high school as the 'Head Boy's girl friend,who in time buds into the arm candy yet intelligent Professor wife of the investment banker, who when the pre-ordained moment arrives gives birth to progeny and transforms to every Indian man's most favourite woman in the world,' The God Like , All Understanding ...Maaaaa.'
So..what are the choices which we really have...in between the time we learn to play with dolls and dance Kathak/Bharat Natyam to tying the knot, having a respectable profession and raising children.
Some people may shake their heads and say ,'Hey that's not tue,' our girlfriends, wives and mothers just love being who they are....but have you ever thought about what you would call them if they weren't ..let's take a few examples.
Being a woman, someohow in definition gets you positioned as being a compliment to a man.You are supposed to mirror the opposite..prefer dancing to sports, mush movies to action flicks, and the back seat of the car or bike ....to well gear control..
Getting Jiggy With It!
Rebel in your teen years...and hang out with the guys ..and you get labelled a tom-boy - a pseudo boy, someone with a wrong stereotype, hang out with the same guys and date a couple of them instead of choosing that 1 aspiring macho man..and you get termed a slut...( a frightening proposition, a threat to all those respectable social institutions like marriage and homemaking which form the very social fabric of your future)
Wedding & Bedding
So.. you pass the first barrier and emerge from the social cocoon as a young bride.And what happens if you meet your true mate after you are already wedded and bedded. Let's face it the dating years of young adulthood is sometimes just too short to meet the right guy...You are also in that same period building a career, an image, a bank balance and your life...and yes..u can make a mistake..
You are allowed to begin with the wrong profession and progress to the one which suits you..hey , but dont shake the boat. When it comes to your wrong pick of husband..compromise and adjust-is the watchword for every Indian mum.... As one of my favourite people in the world told me ....after a point in time marriage gives you so many social trappings that it just isnt possible to have a meaningful relationship with a significant other,for e.g 'suppose u want to ride away into the sunset with The One..how may people will you take with you, u have ur children and he has his children,and their nannies and sundry househelp,cumulative pets ...dogs, cats , parrots, ...forget riding into the sunset ...u might have to hire a train...expensive when u come to think of how much your ex-spouse is going to make u cough up for 'desertion.' But is there a law against,'boring conversation,petty money habits, sex which leaves you feeling..that U defnitely could do better when u were alone in the room than when your spouse was in it'....No, no law or social more against routine drudgery..It's wanting to live and laugh that is a crime!
Waaa:or Rock A Bye Baby
And now let's get to the next stage..you let go of the man whom you might have been happy with and fill the silence of your compromise with the gurgling of a baby ....Hold on.ever heard of polycystic ovaries,cysts and well just the option of ,' I can't right now.'
Women today dont work because they are bored , they work to earn a living ...and that's the difference between us and our mothers..We r the bread and the butter. And having a baby is also about affording one , isn't it ?
And what about those of us who cant have babies, because most working women today , hell most women today have cysts and a skewed work life balance which challenges their child bearing capabilities....And this is where social conditioning really kicks you in the butt...you feel guilty for a medical condition or a ' lost age' when you were earning money to run your half of the household expenses instead of being a fertile rabbit.
Somehow if your not bearing fruit your conditioning makes you a baby junkie , opting for any or all painful options which can beget the proverbial bun in the club ...never mind that you are shot up with enough progesterone to make you feel like your worst PMS experience was akin to the pleasure of your first birthday party.And woe betide you,if you belong to a family steeped in religious dogma, you are made to opt for vodoo jazz options like 'sleeping with the slippers of a really fertile god-man,underneath your pillow,' (so what's his proof of fertility?, you should ask your mum-in-law , Amol?(younger brother-in-law)). Why dont we have the choice to opt for the 'pitter patter ' of rain on a lazy afternoon and let the 'gurgling' be the re-assuring sound from the intelligent washing machine....
We cant undo social conditioning..but we can stop aspiring to play the stereotype ..and think... AM I playing a role which makes ME :) or :(.....
That's the only symbolism which matters..that's the only sense which bridges the gap between the angst of existentialism to the joy of existense...and if you come into the world with one big wail..shouldn't you leave behind an inheritance of one big shout..which will play as a happy mnemonic in a friend's melancholy memory.
So ..do you have a choice ?
3 comments:
I guess the question of choice has to be seen from a broader perspective than a zero-sum game. We don't have much choice in many things, but also then we do have the ability to carve out little niches for ourselves. For example, maybe a hundred years back you had to procreate within a certain period of time. .. otherwise you would be replaced .. now we still have to listen to the jazz and sleep with holy man's slippers (!!), but also can manage to stay on and pursuing our career (often out of necessity, for otherwise honey, who's going to pay the bills?). And believe me, the possibility of being seen as a breeding rabbit might even come up before marriage when your future mom in law might comment on your advancing age and on your shrinking ovaries ... but then again she can do nothing about it. And there in lies the choice :)
Man, and I thought a man's life was complicated!
Reading the post reminded me of the chinese finger game where index fingers are put in to the two opening of a tube and then you have to pull out the fingers. The harder you pull, the tighter the tube becomes. The only way to get your fingers out is to relax and ease them out. Maybe that's a good strategy for life too - don't struggle or fight, take it easy. It's not like you can change the the world by rebelling. So why waste energy complaining against it! Wont do any good, and ultimately you'll get old and one day wonder if you should've taken the other path.
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