A story: How to attend the wedding of an ex – spouse without losing your sense of humor.

Mea sat on the sofa, trying to blow smoke rings.
She had just been invited to her ‘soon to be wed’ ex-husband’s nuptials. The ex was going 'next' and there she would be, cheering him on from a ring side view. Come to think of it, he had been beating the re-marriage drum for quite some time now, almost from the minute the divorce had come through. He had thrown imaginary names and invites at her through many a whisky sodden schizophrenic night text. But this time, it seemed like the real thing. She did the only thing she could do, laughed her head off and heard herself assuring him that she wouldn’t dream of missing it. And now here she was, blowing smoke rings….
An action girl, Mea stubbed her ‘Ultra milds’ and started making notes…

1. Appear: Desist from putting the invite through the shredder, hitting the bottle and watching ‘Love Actually’ for the 3000th time.

2. Inform: Mother not to turn up gushing with best wishes for the new couple. Given the mutual dislike which mother and EX share for self, this is a definite possibility.

3. Call: Best Buds meeting to define entry strategy, cover topics such as clothes which hide the ‘long’ lunches and ‘ just-for-today deserts’ , make-up which makes one look ravishing not ravished, and shoes which are comfortable yet sophisticated.

4. Compose: Sparling conversation starters for people like, the ex mother-in-law ‘who could give Vodemort a run for his Deathly Hallows, and …….sundry other predators.

5. Practice: The congratulatory body movements when meeting the couple. The polite handshake coupled with the ROFL glint for the ‘EX’, and the ‘Oh you look stunning, I wish you happiness’ gasp for the ‘Next.’ This line has to be delivered with a well-balanced, glazed yet piteous glance to assure the ‘Next’ that her sorrows have just begun.

6. Cajole: (failing which blackmail): The best looking friend available on the open market to accompany self. Ensure that companion is draped around self in manner of immense obsession or fascination at all times.

7. Remember: To brush teeth, swallow bottles of mouth freshener to negate the whole non chic ‘alcohol-cigarettes-pick me up reefer’ breath which will be consumed pre- attendance.

8. Communicate: In a tinkling voice, names of exotic places one has visited, exciting things/people one has done, conjuring impressions of wealth and fortune when random curious second cousins and neighbors balloon up to exchange gossip.

9. Leave: The wedding as soon as possible. Scheduled time-Mandatory Photograph(catch the better light, 1 min), Sparring with Predators(10 mins), Exchanging Gossip(building value proposition, 15 mins), Pretending to whisper into companion's ear(establishing that self has exciting new life,15 mins).All done in 41 mins.

10. Pray: That this is a once in a life time experience and I won’t be making a career buying wedding gifts for exes.

Mea stopped typing and thought,'I should really write a Self Help Book, this is completely unchartered territory, maybe this is how i make my first million.'